MAFIA SWIM CLUB

Bubba went to the doctor for an intestinal problem. After examining him, the doctor prescribed some suppositories. "You know how to use these, Bubba?" asked the doctor. Bubba became indignant. "Just cuz I'm a dang ol' redneck don't make me stupid, Doc!" "Okay, Bubba," the doctor sighed. "You call me in a couple days and let me know how you're doing." After a couple days, Bubba gave the doctor a call. "So are you feeling any better?" the doctor asked. "Well, doc," Bubba drawled, "to tell ya the truth, for as much good as them pills done me, I might as well of shoved 'em up my ass!" A hippie and a lawyer stood side by side at a public urinal. "I don't get it, " scowled the lawyer. "I make more money in a week than you do in a year. I'm better educated, better dressed, and better looking. My watch is worth more than your shitbox car. Plus, you smell like a sweatsock dipped in a bong." "So, what's your point, dude?" The hippie asked. "So how come your splash is so much louder than mine?" Spat the attorney. "Simple," explained the hippie, "I'm pissing on your briefcase." A young couple decided to take their five year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman." A man went to the unemployment office to file a claim. First, he had to be interviewed. "What was your job title?" Asked the interviewer. "Forestry laborer. I was a lumberjack," answered the applicant. "And how did you lose your job?" The interview continued. "Well," explained the man, "I got tired of dressing like a lesbian, so I quit."
A mafia guy came home from work in a pretty good mood. "How was work, Honey?" His wife asked. "I got good news, and I got bad news," he told her. "Well," pondered his wife, "I'll guess I'll take the good news first." "Okay, get this," he boasted. "The boss gave me an important new job, and he's paying me FIFTY GRAND! I start tomorrow." "That's fantastic, honey! Did you tell your best friend, Vinnie, yet?" She excitedly gushed. "I said there was bad news, too, baby," he frowned. "Vinnie's dead." "Oh my God, no! Vinnie was the best!" She cried. "He gave the kids a nice present every Christmas! When did he pass away?" The Mafioso looked down and shook his head. "Tomorrow." A husband was reading his wife the riot act as he drove her home from a party they had attended. "I can't believe you spent two hundred dollars on that damn dress!" He wailed, "I can't even afford car insurance, thanks to your little spending sprees!" "Now I have a suspended license for being uninsured, so I shouldn't even be driving! I could go to jail! Not that you would care, you selfish witch!" As bad luck would have it, hubby noticed flashing lights in his rear view mirror. Glancing at his speedometer, he saw he was clearly speeding. "Oh, great," he howled. "I'm doing sixty in a thirty-five zone because you're driving me nuts! Do me one favor. Just keep your big fat pie hole shut and let me do the talking! "Good evening, sir," the cop greeted the sweating husband. "You realize you were doing sixty miles per hour in a thirty-five zone?" "Honestly, officer, I had no idea I was going that fast," hubby lied. "Why, dear, you just told me you were speeding," his wife corrected. The cop's demeanor changed instantly. "License, registration, and proof of insurance." "Sure! Let me just....oh no! My wallet must be in my other pants!" the man fibbed. "Silly!" his wife giggled. "You just told me that your license was suspended for not having insurance. It wouldn't matter whether you had your wallet or not!" "SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!" hubby bellowed. The cop couldn't allow that kind of verbal abuse. "Sir, if you continue to yell at your wife, I'll have to arrest you," he warned. "Oh, don't take his yelling seriously, officer," the wife explained. "He gets like this every time he's drunk." Another guy got pulled over for speeding. The cop asked him if he was aware of his speed. "Hell, yes, I knew how fast I was going," the man confessed. "I've got a dead body and fifty pounds of heroin in my trunk, so I'm pretty nervous." The cop ordered him out of the car at gunpoint and had the vehicle impounded. The driver was locked up without bond, pending his court appearance. On the morning of the arraignment, the judge appeared puzzled. "The police report indicates a suspected dead body and fifty pounds of heroin, citing comments of the driver. However, no items matching that description were found in a search of the vehicle. Would the defendant care to explain this?" "Your honor," the defendant pleaded, "the arresting officer obviously fabricated this report to frame me. Next thing you know, that lying bastard will try to say I was speeding, too!"
A real estate office took a call from an exasperated homeowner. "We're sick of living here. Sure, it's a cozy little place, but we have problems with the neighbors. The guy behind us is a total asshole, and we have a complete dick on the other side." "Maybe I can help," began the Realtor, "may I get your name?" "Sure", said the client, "we're the Testes." A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. After the bartender tells him a one-liner, he offers a joke of his own. "Okay, there's these two blondes..." Before he can finish the first line, the bartender cuts him off. "I don't think you even want to go there," the barkeep warns in a hushed voice. "See that blonde shooting pool? She just did ten years for manslaughter. Stabbed her boyfriend to death after he clocked her with a beer bottle. And that blonde by the jukebox is the women's state Tai Kwan Do champion five years running. Oh, and that blonde back in the kitchen there is my wife. Still wanna tell that joke?" "Nah, forget it," sighs the patron. "I don't feel like explaining it three times." An old veteran had a habit of going to the bar every day and ordering two shots and two beers. In time, the bartender's curiosity was aroused, and he asked the old timer about his "usual." "I had a good buddy back in WWII that saved my ass in a firefight. Two weeks later, I returned the favor in another skirmish with the Nazis. We vowed that for the remainder of our lives, whenever we go to a tavern, we will drink a shot and a beer for each of us, to signify our bond of loyalty and friendship across the years and the miles," the old man whispered. The bartender felt warm and misty for a second, but then returned to his work. A month later, the old soldier shuffled into the bar, looking as if he were grieving a deep loss. "I'll have just one shot and one beer from now on, son," he stoically informed the bartender. "Oh, no! Don't tell me your buddy died!" the bartender gasped. "Hell no! Nothing could kill that old goat," bellowed the old man, "but my doctor said I gotta quit drinking or I'M gonna die!"
A pirate ship made its way toward the next unfortunate trading vessel, when a cry came down from the crow's nest. "One of the Queen's armada two knots north!" The pirate captain prepared his crew for battle, ordering them to their stations. "BOY!" He yelled to the cabin boy, "FETCH ME RED SHIRT!" The cabin boy ran for the shirt and returned with it a minute later. "Forgive my askin' sir, but why do you need your red shirt?" he timidly inquired. "Son," explained the pirate captain, "yer a fine young lad with the makin's of a true pirate, so I'll let you in on a secret only us cap'ns know. Whenever there's a chance of bloodshed, we wear a red shirt so's if we're wounded, our crew can't see us bleed. Could be a frightenin' thing for 'em to think thar beloved cap'n might be dyin'." Just then, another pirate breathlessly barged in. "Cap'n!" He wheezed, "It's not one of the Queen's ships, it's the whole bloody fleet!" "BOY!" Ordered the captain, "I'll also be needin' me brown pants!" A father and his son were walking home from the park when they came upon two dogs mating. "What are those dogs doing, Dad? Are they fighting?" The young boy worried. "No, son," fibbed Dad, "you see, the doggie on the top got tired of walking, and the other one is trying to give him a piggyback ride." "That's just like people, huh, Dad?" The little one observed, "try to give someone a leg up, and you end up getting screwed!" Mom and Dad planned a pool party at the Y for their son's eighth birthday. "Don't invite Johnny," the birthday boy warned. "He always pees in the pool." Having already sent Johnny's invitation, Dad came up with a reassuring story. "Don't worry, Son," Dad promised. "I'm putting a special chemical in the pool that stays clear and invisible until someone pees. Then it will turn the water purple around whoever did it." The day of the party, all went well until the birthday boy got out of the pool with a question for Dad. "How much did you pay for that special stuff you put in the pool?" "Uhh...I don't remember, Son, but it was expensive. Why do you ask?" "Well, you need to get your money back," the kid advised. "It hasn't worked once for me!" Two peasant wives were digging potatoes. One wife pulled up two at once. "My stars!" She gasped. "these potatoes remind me of my husband's balls!" The second woman was stunned. "Are your husband's balls that big?" "No," the first woman said, "but they're that dirty."